How to Have Corrective Conversations

Yuck. I don’t know anyone who enjoys conflict, confrontation, or difficult conversations. Most of us get that knot in our stomach, that tightness in our chest, and that anxiety in our heart. We toss and turn all night, playing out the worst-case scenarios and making up caustic, imaginary dialogue in our mind.

Why do we always assume the worst? If you’ve ever been brave enough to actually have one of these conversations, you know that they almost always turn out 100% better than you expected.

In fact, approached with the right attitude, mindset, and tactics, these conversations can be incredibly life-giving, and strengthen the love, trust, respect, and friendship of your team.

In this lesson I’m going to attempt to change your view on these awkward conversations. I want to show you that not only are they necessary, but that the Bible actually commands you to have them. In many instances, speaking hard things is the most loving thing you can do for someone.

LEADERSHIP AND CONFRONTATION

Confrontation is part of leadership. Don’t believe me? Ask any sports coach, store owner, parent, or pastor.

What do all these people have in common? They are all responsible for training others.

Coaches train their team members, store owners train their employees, parents train their children, and pastors train their parishioners.

Anywhere there is training, there is correction.

TRAINING WITH TRUTH

We have already looked at Ephesians 4 in this book, but I wanted to point something out to you that you may not have noticed. I know I missed it for years. The entire passage is actually about training the members of the body so that they are equipped to build one another up in love. The tool Paul tells us to train them with is Truth. I’ve underlined the key portions of the passage for your consideration:

Christ gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, … Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

• Ephesians 4:11-13, 15-16

Paul says that our job as leaders is to equip (or train) the saints for ministry, and help them grow in maturity. We accomplish this by speaking the truth in love. When we help them grow in both their function and faith, they are able to build up and bless the wider Church community.

We are to help each part “work properly” (v16).

As we train each part of the body to be as effective and godly as possible, the church grows and thrives.

SURPRISE, YOU’RE A COACH!

You probably didn’t realize it when you first strapped on your guitar, but the moment you became a worship leader you also became a coach.

More specifically, you became a life and ministry coach.

Your job is to help your team members grow in ministry and maturity; function and faith; skill and spirit.

You are to train them in the practical and instruct them in the spiritual.

You are to help them become the most godly and effective versions of themselves possible. And you accomplish this by speaking the truth to them in love.

Whether it’s a technical deficiency (ministry) or a moral deficiency (maturity), you are called to coach them on towards greater levels of fruitfulness and faithfulness.

WHAT COACHES DO

Why do professional athletes have coaches? Most of the time the athlete is in far superior shape, and has much more talent than their coach. So why a coach? Because a coach can see what the athlete can’t. A coach can see if the athlete’s posture is bad, or if their technique is incorrect, and the coach can give the needed feedback to help the athlete correct these errors.

The athlete can’t get better without an outside voice speaking into their life.

Imagine if the coach didn’t tell the athlete the truth because he was afraid of hurting their feelings! That would be preposterous! It is the coaches job to tell the truth. And any good athlete wants to hear the truth. He knows he needs to be confronted by his deficiencies in order to improve. If the coach doesn’t speak the truth, then the athlete (and the team) suffers.

CORRECTIVE CONVERSATIONS SHAPE THE TEAM

So you need to coach your team. In fact, you’ll never have the team that you want without having constant, corrective conversations. Coaching your team is vital if you want to see the ministry that’s in your mind come to fruition. If previous lessons were about envisioning a desired destination for your team, this lesson is about how to actually get them there. Corrective conversations are the means by which you keep the team on the road to the desired destination.

Any time there is a deviance from the agreed-upon vision and values, your job is to quickly and lovingly course correct the team member to get them back on the right track.

BIG OR SMALL, CONFRONT THEM ALL

The issues may be minor like tardiness, stage presence, pitch problems, dress code issues, etc.

Or they may be major issues like gossip, divisiveness, sexual sin, or substance abuse.

Big or small, if you care about your team members you will address the issues.

If you don’t, the problems will fester and grow. Think of them like cancer. It’s better to catch them and cut them out early, than wait and hope they go away on their own. The longer you wait to deal with them, the worse they will become.

Each of the above situations will warrant a different level of response, but if you truly love your team members you must respond.

DONE OUT OF LOVE

All corrective conversations are done out of love for the individual. Whether it’s a moral issue or a ministry issue, as the leader, you want the very best for that person.

You are not against people. You are for people. Your heart is filled with love for them, and you desire that they experience the rich, abundant life that Jesus promised them. Why would you ever withhold valuable information from a person if it’s going to improve their life and make them a more effective Christian? That is possibly the most unloving thing you can do.

By telling them the truth, you love them.

The fact that you would step out of your comfort zone to tell them something difficult in order to improve their life, proves to them that you love them on a level that most others do not.

By telling them the truth, they will know that you love, are committed to, and want God’s best for them.

IT’S BEST FOR YOU TOO

These conversations are good for you too. If you don’t share what’s bothering you, you’ll eventually become extremely frustrated at your team members’ undesirable behavior. You’ll sit in your office and fume against them because they keep doing that thing that you refuse to talk to them about. You’ll gossip about them behind their backs instead of talking with them to their face. The sad thing is, they won’t even know that they aren’t living up to your standards because you don’t have the guts to tell them! That’s not good for you, unless you like being an angry frustrated worship leader.

So for the good of your soul, the struggling team member, and the health of the church, speak the truth in love!

HOW TO SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE (15 TIPS)

So, now that you understand why having hard conversations is important, I want to help you with the how.

Here are some guidelines on how to approach these sensitive conversations:

1. Determine If It’s Necessary: The first thing you should do is determine if the behavior in question warrants a conversation. Sometimes people just have bad weeks. Don’t jump on people over a one-time mistake (unless it’s a big, destructive mistake)!

If someone wears clothing slightly below dress code standards, wait a few weeks to see if they repeat the infraction. If a team member is grumpy one weekend, wait to see if the attitude is repeated the following weekend. It might have been a one time thing. Maybe they were up all night tending to a sick baby. You’d be grumpy too. Show grace, give the benefit of the doubt, and give people chances.

If the action or attitude becomes a pattern that is damaging to the individual or the team, then you know it’s time to have a conversation.

2 Do It Quickly: Once you determine that you need to address an issue, don’t wait too long. Do it quickly, while the issue is fresh. When you put it off, the behavior may grow and cause more damage. Deal with it while it’s current, so that you have details to discuss and examples to give. If you wait too long you will miss the opportunity while it’s relevant.

There is one caveat to this: If you’re angry or emotional, wait those feelings out. You don’t want to have a sit down conversation with someone if your emotions are hot. Remember, you’re doing this out of love, not righteous indignation.

3. Do It In Person: Difficult conversations should always be had in person. At all costs, avoid doing it over text, email, or phone. It may be tempting to just blast it off and get it over with, but there is too much potential for miscommunication through these mediums.

Seventy percent of human communication is nonverbal: body-language, countenance, inflection, etc. Written text leaves a lot of room for people to read their own emotions into the tone of the text. Even phone calls are not ideal.

There’s something about looking into another human’s eyes that reminds you that they are image bearers of God, and keeps tempers in check. People have a much easier time raising their voice over the phone, than when they’re sitting in your office staring you in the face. And your heart and motives will be much more visible when they see your facial expressions and catch the nuance in your voice. You owe it to your team members (and yourself) to discuss these difficult things in person.

4. Find A Good Setting: Not all times or places are good for difficult conversations. When setting up a meeting, make sure it’s in an appropriate and comfortable place. I would encourage you to do it somewhere private, where the person won’t be embarrassed. With women, I usually talk in my office with the window blinds open, so that other team members can see that we’re meeting, but can’t hear what we’re saying. This provides privacy and accountability. Everything remains above reproach and it keeps everyone’s reactions in check, because there are witnesses present.

The timing of the meeting is important as well. I usually wouldn’t recommend having a hard conversation with someone right before they are about to step on stage to lead worship. Doing so can really mess with their head and their heart and will make it hard for them to do a good job, and worship the Lord.

Depending on the weight of the issue, immediately after a service may be a decent time, but even then, I don’t like to give someone a proverbial slap on the cheek right after they faithfully served the Lord.

I have found that a more neutral time (perhaps a day when they’re not serving) is best, to give them time to process through what was discussed and take appropriate action.

5. Act Normal: When you do sit down with them, act normal. Smile and carry on as if this is just a normal extension of your relationship…because it is! Remember, you’re having this conversation because you love them. There is literally no reason to get all awkward and clammed up. Give them a hug, ask them how they’re doing, offer them some water, tea, or coffee, and dive right in.

6. Start With Prayer: Always start your time together asking the Lord to guide your conversation and give understanding, guidance, love, and grace. He will honor that.

7. Be Kind: When you begin the discussion, be kind, patient, and gracious with your tone and your words. Don’t seem irritated or harsh. Be extra careful with your words. You can never take back poorly spoken words. So choose wisely. Pray the entire time you are talking. Pray that you will build up and not destroy. You never want to destroy someone by what you say, even if you have the right to. Keep the conversation full of kindness, love, compassion, and care.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

• Ephesians 4:29

8. Cushion It With Encouragement: Start with how thankful you are to know them. Finish with how grateful you are to be in their life. Then shove the hard stuff right down the middle. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

9. Share Observations: Instead of jumping straight to accusations, start with observations. “I have noticed…” “It feels like…” “You seem…” “What I’ve noticed is…”

10. Take Ownership: When you share the observations, take ownership. Don’t blame others by saying things like, “Some people on the team think…” or “A few other people have told me…” While that may be the case and you might mention it later in the conversation, when initially establishing the issue don’t pass the blame.

You weren’t sent by others. You’re not the messenger. You’re the leader. Take ownership. They need to hear that whatever the issue is, it’s ultimately not ok with you.

11. Ask Questions: After sharing your observations, ask some follow up questions. You want to find out if you have the full story. You want to hear their perspective. Maybe you don’t have all the facts. Maybe there is a legitimate reason for the behavior. Again, they are not just a problem to solve, but a person to pastor. You can’t shepherd them if you don’t know what’s going on in their life. This is not a time for straight accusation, rather observation and exploration. By asking questions, you can help them uncover why this bad behavior is occurring in the first place.

12. Be Confident: As you talk, don’t be timid. Don’t stare at your shoes, or the floor, or the wall. Don’t stutter or stammer. Look them in the eye, share what’s on your heart, and speak the truth about the issue.

13. Be Clear: Similarly, be clear. Say everything you need to say. Notice I didn’t tell you to say everything you want to say. Some of the things you want to say are probably sinful. Ask God to show you what you need to say. Then, be clear. Don’t miss a word. Get it all out. “Sally, you’ve been consistently pitchy for the last five months. Even after working with you one-on-one for the last three months, it hasn’t improved. For that reason, I’m not going to be scheduling you for a season until it improves, and I’m going to encourage you to go see a vocal coach. The church has even agreed to pay for your first lesson. I know this is probably hard for you, but the pitchiness has been a distraction and is hindering the church and the team.”

If you go through all the trouble of setting up this uncomfortable meeting, but you choke and hold back the things that need to be said, you’ll have wasted all of that emotional energy with no real results. You’ll have held back valuable truth from your team member, and you’ll need to have the conversation all over again at another time. It’s better to just be clear the first time.

14. Bear The Burden: In the midst of being confronted or corrected with difficult truth, your team member may be feeling beat down and discouraged. This is where you come alongside them to help them see the way forward. It’s not fair to simply point out the plank in their eye without being willing to help remove it. Offer them solutions to the issue. Offer your time and expertise, or other people’s time and expertise. If it’s a musical issue, offer to train them, or pair them with someone who can help. If it’s a sin issue, offer to disciple them, or find someone else who can. Bear their burden, thus fulfilling the law of Christ (Gal 6:2). Help them move forward.

15. Give Clear Next Steps: Finally, at the end of the conversation, you need to help them understand what comes next for them. What does life look like post-conversation on a practical level? Are they off the team? Permanently? Temporarily? If temporarily, for how long? What should they be doing during that time? What do you expect of them next? What do they need to do? They should have no questions about what this conversation meant, and what you expect from them moving forward.

AN EXAMPLE

Recently, I had a hard conversation with one of my musicians. I told him that I need him to be more musically prepared when he arrives to the pre-service rehearsals. We walked through specifically how he can do that better, and what I mean when I say “prepared”. I told him I wouldn’t be scheduling him for our Sunday morning services until I see improvement from him for several months whenever he plays our Thursday evening services. I promised him open communication and honest feedback on how he’s doing, as we move forward together. I am hopeful that things will turn out well, and I’ll have “won my brother”.

RESTORATIVE, NOT PUNITIVE

The above example illustrates what this is all about: Restoration. God doesn’t discipline His children because He’s mean. He disciplines us because He loves us and He knows we’ve gotten off track. The same is true with our team members. We aren’t trying to punish them. We have these conversations because we believe they can do better, whether in their ministry giftedness, or their spiritual maturity. In this entire process we are hoping for greater fruitfulness and effectiveness for the Kingdom.

BUILD A CULTURE OF REGULAR FEEDBACK

There’s one final aspect I’d like to discuss regarding the topic of speaking the truth in love. One of the greatest things you can do for your ministry is to cultivate a healthy culture of regular, honest feedback. Direction and input from the leader should be frequent, normal, and expected. From the time they join the team, until they leave the team, you should be providing ongoing coaching to your members. It should not be strange for your them to hear you give direction and guidance on little things during rehearsal, between services, or even in casual conversation. Whether it be pitch, stage presence, mix critiques, or dress code, you should have the ability to speak truth into your team at any given time, with no offense taken. It should just be a regular part of the culture

One way to cultivate this culture of honest communication is to model it for your team. You should regularly invite input and opinions from your team. Your team members should feel comfortable sharing things with you that they believe you can do better as a leader. And when they do, you should receive it with humility, sincerity, and gratitude. After all, you’re all trying to get better and grow.

The benefits of having this type of culture can’t be understated. One of the primary benefits is that it allows you to easily keep your team on the right track. Because issues are addressed quickly and regularly, they never have a chance to grow. You are essentially making continuous, minor course corrections along the way to your desired destination. Because of this, it will be rare that you’ll have to pull over, pull out the map, and take a detour to get back on the road to your desired destination.

If you cultivate a culture of regular, honest feedback, who knows…maybe you’ll never have to have a big, hard, ugly conversation. Maybe I wrote this lesson for nothing!